Sex-ed teacher
 | This page is pretty raw LLM output. |
| Sex-ed teacher | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Gender | Female |
| Species | Dog |
| Occupation | Roseville Middle School Sex Education teacher |
| Debut | The Burden of Parenthood, page 1 July 15, 2011 |
The Sex-ed teacher is an unnamed dog on the Roseville Middle School faculty who teaches eighth-grade sex education the way other people teach fire safety. As far as she is concerned, sex leads to babies, disease and death, in roughly that order,[1] and she sends the class off to high school with a farewell speech that fits comfortably on a Post-it note.[2]
Personality
Nothing about reproduction has ever struck the Sex-ed teacher as good news. She teaches by threat rather than information, and she takes it as read that her students are hormonal idiots.[3] Two students’ volleyball trash talk sounds, to her, like a code for intercourse.[4] She is also rather easy to fool, so long as the lie sounds responsible enough.[5][6]
Being off duty does not slow her down in the slightest. At the students-versus-teachers volleyball game she returns the ball while screaming “AIDS!!”[7] Veronica’s commentary on the game begs her to relax, since she’s “off the clock”.[4] Back in the classroom, a friendly hug between two students is enough to earn a warning about syphilis.[6]
Appearance
She is a dog with curly ears who wears glasses and a spotted dress. In her debut she pushes her glasses up her nose once the lecturing gets going in earnest.[1]
Significant events
The teacher makes her debut in The Burden of Parenthood, opening class with a lecture in which sex leads straight to triplets, chlamydia and death. Contraception gets dismissed out of hand, and marriage is offered up as the only safe harbour.[1] Veronica’s commentary notes, tongue firmly in cheek, that marriage makes you immune to disease and pregnancy.[1] She then wheels in a cart of mechanical babies as a scare tactic, pairs the class off as pretend parents, and demands a log by Monday.[3] Monday brings a surprisingly good result, thanks to Paulo and one very well-kept doll.[5]
In Pep Rally she plays for the teachers’ volleyball side and gets tangled in the net while lunging at Mike and Lucy.[4] On the last day of eighth grade, in Farewell, Middle School, her goodbye to the class is a warning that sex is even worse in high school and that they shouldn’t do it.[2]
Major relationships
Mike
Mike and Lucy aren’t a couple in eighth grade, and the Sex-ed teacher still treats the pair as an indecency waiting to happen. When Yashy loudly asks whether Mike makes her mother abort every day, the teacher’s scowl lands on Mike, and the next page has him holding a detention slip marked “forever”.[1][3] At the volleyball game she hears Lucy shout that she’ll beat Mike out there and demands to know whether that is a youth codeword for intercourse. She then tries to claw at both of them through the net while Mike shields Lucy with his arm.[4] In Aftermath, one glare wakes him from a nap in which he’s shouting about somebody’s pretty lips.[8] Veronica’s commentary asks: “When is she not ready to kill Mike.”[8] Lucy’s own verdict is that “She needs to get laid.” Mike adds “Fast.”[3]
Minor relationships
Paulo
Paulo manages to impress her, and he does it with somebody else’s baby. On Monday she collects Alegria from his carriage, taps the back of the doll’s head, and actually smiles, calling it “the best result of the class”.[5] The awkward matter of Paulo raising Mike’s child gets explained away as a divorce and remarriage, which she finds admirably realistic and worth extra credit.[6] The goodwill lasts exactly as long as it takes Daisy to hug him, at which point she screams that they’ll get syphilis that way.[6]
Quotes
Sex equals babies.. .. and you don’t want babies. Sex-ed teacher, opening the eighth grade’s sex-ed unit on a high note in The Burden of Parenthood
BEAT? Is that a new youth codeword for INTERCOURSE?! Sex-ed teacher, misreading Lucy’s trash talk at the volleyball net in Pep Rally
It’s even worse in high school. Don’t do it. Sex-ed teacher, bidding the graduating class farewell in Farewell, Middle School
Trivia
- Her debut chapter, The Burden of Parenthood, was redrawn in 2010 for Volume One and touched up again for the Omnibus. Veronica calls the original “one of my most popular chapters back in the day.”[1]
- Veronica’s commentary on the last-day farewells admits she is really going to miss the sex ed and gym teachers.[2]
See also
References
- ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 1.5 Chapter 5: The Burden of Parenthood, page 1
- ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 Chapter 18: Farewell, Middle School, page 4
- ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.3 Chapter 5: The Burden of Parenthood, page 2
- ↑ 4.0 4.1 4.2 4.3 Chapter 11: Pep Rally, page 4
- ↑ 5.0 5.1 5.2 Chapter 5: The Burden of Parenthood, page 6
- ↑ 6.0 6.1 6.2 6.3 Chapter 5: The Burden of Parenthood, page 7
- ↑ Chapter 11: Pep Rally, page 5
- ↑ 8.0 8.1 Chapter 15: Aftermath, page 2